My Next Journey

I feel like I don't know how or where to start this post. It's the beginning of my next journey in life and it's a big journey; a scary as shit journey. A journey filled with self-doubt and excitement and stress and overwhelming joy. Will and I are taking steps to make baby Morris. An actual 2 legged creature I grow and birth and raise.

Just the shear thought of it scares and excites me at the same time. To be responsible for a tiny human; not only their physical health, but their emotional and spiritual and mental health as well. It makes me think about how I was raised. What will I bring into my parenting skills that my parents encapsulated? What will I not bring into my parenting style? These thoughts are daunting.

I find myself "quizzing" Will when I see a scenario on TV as to how he would handle the situation. For example, we were watching Lethal Weapon last night and Danny Glover's oldest daughter was grounded because she was caught smoking weed. I asked Will, "Say our 16-year-old son was caught smoking weed. How would you handle it?" He said he would ground them for at least 3 weeks. I think I would talk to them first. Is this their first time? How did they get it? How did it make them feel? Why did they want to try it? I feel as though I want to give them a chance to explain themselves before judgement is passed down. My parents never gave me a chance to explain... it was always the strong hand of the law laid down. I want to be a different parent.

There are things I know I will bring into my parenting that are from how I was raised.

My kids will know their manners and use them.
My kids will learn responsibility through chores.
My kids will be educated.
My kids will be involved in extracurricular activities whatever they may be.
My kids will (hopefully) love music.

So, all that being said... it must be said that we have difficulties in the "getting pregnant" department. I suffer from infertility and we have been/are working with various doctors and counselors in order to achieve pregnancy/parenthood. We are not sure if we will be able to get pregnant and if that's the case, we will move onto adoption.

We're hopeful we will be able to achieve pregnancy since it has been one of my dreams since I was a little girl. I want to know what it feels like to have a life grow inside of my belly. I want to feel them move and kick. I want to have to pee every 10 minutes and have weird food cravings and terrible heartburn. I want to create the coolest nursery and buy the baby stuff I pass by in the stores. I want to get fat and have stretch marks (well, more than I already have). I want to experience it all; the good, the bad, the ugly.

I will keep you updated.