Forgetting

 So, I completely forgot about this blog... I just read through my old posts and it was like opening an old wound. However, it's not that old... the wound. I just don't think about it all the time anymore. It's not fresh on my mind every time I see parents with kids. I don't want to "cave up" (as I call it) and disappear from the world feeling sorry for myself and something that was completely out of my control. 

It's nice to forget... 

Until you remember...

Then you just wait for the forgetting to kick in again....................

The end...

The end. 

The end of a dream. 

The end of the idea of being pregnant. 

No more miscarriages or hysterical pregnancies. No more wishing and hoping that the impossible will be possible...that I will be the one in a million. Not me. I'm just another woman will an inability to conceive and now, the inability to carry. Adoption is the only option.

I received word from a 5th and 6th doctor that my dream is gone. Well, at least in the way I wanted the dream to happen. 

Funny... this is the second dream that has died in my life. The first was my gymnastics career. That ended with the back injury. And it's possible that my back injury was one of the root causes of my infertility and inability to conceive. I've aged out of the healthy carrying part of it. 

So, no purchasing of maternity clothes... no weird cravings (I always wondered if my kid would hate pickles while I was pregnant)... no stretch marks from a growing stomach (the only stretch marks I get are from my weight gain... thank you depression)... no crazy hormones... no swollen feet and ankles (I have always feared getting "cankles")... no epidural... no gross, slimy newborn being placed in my arms with the umbilical cord still attached and my husband leaning in to kiss my head while I was sweaty from the labor... no donating the cord blood to science for stem cell research and use... no car seat test... no latching issues... no lactation issues... no vaginal ripping/tearing from the birth... no watching my stomach move as the baby adjusted itself... no sonogram pictures... no monthly/weekly baby bump photos... no maternity shoot... no "measure the belly" at a baby shower... no saying "you know what my heart sounds like from the inside"... 

It's over. The end. 

I am devastated.

I'm tired...

Tired of it not being my turn to be a mother...

Tired of being the supportive friend to everyone else getting pregnant and having babies...

Tired of drinking these disgusting herbs to make things happen in my body...

Tired of getting weekly acupuncture treatments to make things happen in my body...

Tired of paying for those treatments and herbs...

I just it to happen already... I want to be a mother. 

Just a little poke...

 I figured it was time for a little update on our baby journey.

I started seeing an acupuncturist in November of 2020 and he is working to help my back pain which, in conjunction, will help with my fertility issues. He thinks that the back injury I suffered over 20 years ago has A LOT to do with my fertility... or lack thereof. 

He has me drinking these gross tasting Chinese herbs in an effort to start a menstrual cycle. I drink those twice a day and see him once a week. I'm hoping for the best... 

We shall see...

On to the next...

 We officially got word that even a Clomid trial would not result in any significant changes in my body regarding being able to conceive. 

So that sucks... A LOT.

Guess we're back to the embryo adoption thing... maybe we should just pause on this for a little bit and focus on other things like a new car, travel, pay off debt, buy a house... 

Like people always say, we can always adopt... though I want to punch them in the throat when they say that, it's true. 

Maybe we weren't meant to have kids........................

This song is on my heart, especially the last part:

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

It happens again...

 You know those days when it starts out pretty good: you're singing in the car on the way to work wearing a big smile thinking it's gonna be a great day... 

Then you get to work to find out a coworker is pregnant and you can't get your fertility doctor to call you back since you had bloodwork done. 

This is my day today. Is it too early to put whiskey in my coffee? 

I Can't Breathe

I can't breathe.

I'm faking my smile and happy mood so hard right now.

The wind was pulled from my sails.

My heart hurts.

The doctor said they can't help.

WHY?!

I asked her not to give up yet.

Can we just try a few more tests?

Can we see if I'm the exception to the rule?

Please don't give up.

Why does it feel like my heart is giving up?

I feel like I'm giving up.

This is incredibly unfair.

I'm not ready to let this dream go, but I feel like I have to at this point.

I don't want to hear my mother say, "I told you so."

I hate this so much.

All I want is to be a mom... grow a life... inspire a tiny human... make millions of memories.

I want Will to be a daddy. I want that more than anything.

Why can't this happen for us?

Do we not deserve it?