On to the next...

 We officially got word that even a Clomid trial would not result in any significant changes in my body regarding being able to conceive. 

So that sucks... A LOT.

Guess we're back to the embryo adoption thing... maybe we should just pause on this for a little bit and focus on other things like a new car, travel, pay off debt, buy a house... 

Like people always say, we can always adopt... though I want to punch them in the throat when they say that, it's true. 

Maybe we weren't meant to have kids........................

This song is on my heart, especially the last part:

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

It happens again...

 You know those days when it starts out pretty good: you're singing in the car on the way to work wearing a big smile thinking it's gonna be a great day... 

Then you get to work to find out a coworker is pregnant and you can't get your fertility doctor to call you back since you had bloodwork done. 

This is my day today. Is it too early to put whiskey in my coffee? 

I Can't Breathe

I can't breathe.

I'm faking my smile and happy mood so hard right now.

The wind was pulled from my sails.

My heart hurts.

The doctor said they can't help.

WHY?!

I asked her not to give up yet.

Can we just try a few more tests?

Can we see if I'm the exception to the rule?

Please don't give up.

Why does it feel like my heart is giving up?

I feel like I'm giving up.

This is incredibly unfair.

I'm not ready to let this dream go, but I feel like I have to at this point.

I don't want to hear my mother say, "I told you so."

I hate this so much.

All I want is to be a mom... grow a life... inspire a tiny human... make millions of memories.

I want Will to be a daddy. I want that more than anything.

Why can't this happen for us?

Do we not deserve it?

Angel Babies

Angel babies.The ones that leave us before they are born. The ones that leave a hole in your heart the size of Jupiter. The ones that you will never fully let go of. The ones that are the most special to you.

I have six angel babies. Five from me and one from another mother. This is the first time I've really talked about them. My heart still hurts for them.

My five angel babies left me very early into their lives... but I knew they were there. Is that weird to say? I prayed like I've never prayed before for them to stay and grow and let me be mama. God said no and took them home. Each time was special. I remember my period skipping, my hormones racing, my breasts being tender, the nausea, and the bleed when they left me. Five different times. Five different lives. Five times my world lifted. Five times my world plummeted in a solitary moment. Though each were emotionally painful, they offered hope to me that something inside of me was working. My heart was broken and filled with hope at the same time. It was very conflicting... was?... is very conflicting.

My sixth angel baby is Allister. We lost him in June 2019. He suffered a number of aneurysms

following a Stage 1 Norwood surgery to correct his hypo-plastic left heart syndrome. His birth mother was using drugs until she found out she was pregnant. She stopped. She was going to give him up in a closed/private adoption to us. He was going to be our son. He was born March 30th; 8 pounds, 8 ounces and 21 inches long. He was supposed to come out a bit cyanotic due to his heart condition not allowing proper blood flow, but he was bright red and ready to roar. He spiked a small fever the day before his surgery, so it was postponed. When he underwent his Norwood, he came out and all was good. Then it wasn't. The drug usage while he was in utero weakened the vessels in his brain which is what caused the aneurysms. This one hurt the most because it was the closest we had ever been to being parents.

This is the last picture I received of him. I still dream about him. I still think about him. I still miss him. Even though we never officially met, I still love him. I look forward to the day I get to meet him for real and hold him in my arms... because I carry him in my heart every day.





These two songs are what help me get through his loss.

Into the Light - In This Moment

Always/Goodnight - Scott Alan

I don't struggle every day with it, but it comes in waves. And it crashed into me the way a bullet hits a sandbag releasing each grain through a small, tortuous diameter. I know my time will come. I have to believe that. I have to believe that God has a plan and this pain is worth the reward.

My Next Journey

I feel like I don't know how or where to start this post. It's the beginning of my next journey in life and it's a big journey; a scary as shit journey. A journey filled with self-doubt and excitement and stress and overwhelming joy. Will and I are taking steps to make baby Morris. An actual 2 legged creature I grow and birth and raise.

Just the shear thought of it scares and excites me at the same time. To be responsible for a tiny human; not only their physical health, but their emotional and spiritual and mental health as well. It makes me think about how I was raised. What will I bring into my parenting skills that my parents encapsulated? What will I not bring into my parenting style? These thoughts are daunting.

I find myself "quizzing" Will when I see a scenario on TV as to how he would handle the situation. For example, we were watching Lethal Weapon last night and Danny Glover's oldest daughter was grounded because she was caught smoking weed. I asked Will, "Say our 16-year-old son was caught smoking weed. How would you handle it?" He said he would ground them for at least 3 weeks. I think I would talk to them first. Is this their first time? How did they get it? How did it make them feel? Why did they want to try it? I feel as though I want to give them a chance to explain themselves before judgement is passed down. My parents never gave me a chance to explain... it was always the strong hand of the law laid down. I want to be a different parent.

There are things I know I will bring into my parenting that are from how I was raised.

My kids will know their manners and use them.
My kids will learn responsibility through chores.
My kids will be educated.
My kids will be involved in extracurricular activities whatever they may be.
My kids will (hopefully) love music.

So, all that being said... it must be said that we have difficulties in the "getting pregnant" department. I suffer from infertility and we have been/are working with various doctors and counselors in order to achieve pregnancy/parenthood. We are not sure if we will be able to get pregnant and if that's the case, we will move onto adoption.

We're hopeful we will be able to achieve pregnancy since it has been one of my dreams since I was a little girl. I want to know what it feels like to have a life grow inside of my belly. I want to feel them move and kick. I want to have to pee every 10 minutes and have weird food cravings and terrible heartburn. I want to create the coolest nursery and buy the baby stuff I pass by in the stores. I want to get fat and have stretch marks (well, more than I already have). I want to experience it all; the good, the bad, the ugly.

I will keep you updated.

Diagnosis of Infertility

So, we're still trying... you know, to make a baby; that's the fun part. The not-so-fun part is not getting pregnant... not seeing that positive pregnancy test. It's most unfair. Even more so because I want it so bad. We want it so bad. We pray and pray and meet with doctors and take the vitamins and work to change the diet and still nothing.

We've met with 2 different fertility specialists when we lived in Texas and both said my infertility issues were probably gonadal dysgenesis, yet no one could tell me for sure. Why can't they do adequate testing to know for sure what the issue is? They tested for all the hormones (FSH, TSH, LH, E2, and AMH)

Let's breakdown what gonadal dysgenesis is... according to the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI):

Gonadal dysgenesis is a genetic condition due to errors in cell division and or alterations in genetic material leading to complete or partial loss of gonadal development. The development of gonadal dysgenesis begins early on either at fertilization or shortly after in early stages of the embryo and fetus. Complete gonadal dysgenesis genotypes are known as either 46, XX or 46, XY. These patients with full gonadal dysgenesis exhibit streak gonads, female external genitalia and hypogonadotropic hypogonadism with associated amenorrhea and lack of secondary sexual characteristics.

46, XX complete gonadal dysgenesis is inherited in an autosomal recessive pattern, and several loci and genes have been implicated, however, the exact intricacies of what causes this type of gonadal dysgenesis is unclear. Inactivating mutations in the FSHR gene coding for the follicle stimulating hormone receptor is one of these genes linked to 46, XX dysgenesis mainly in the Finnish population. Mutation in this receptor leads to blocks in follicular development that cause the follicles to remain in the primary or antral stage. Depletion of the follicles is also an observation with this mutation.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK539886/#:~:text=46%2C%20XX%20complete%20gonadal%20dysgenesis,of%20gonadal%20dysgenesis%20is%20unclear.

Ok, that was A LOT of medical mumbo-jumbo that needs to be broken down. I'm going to focus on the female aspects of this issue since we know I'm female from my chromosomal analysis (46, XX) and the fact I have a uterus and female external genetailia. Let's start at the top:

-Streak gonads refer to the streaked tissue the ovaries are comprised of.
-Hypogonadotropic hypogonadism (that's a mouthful) means that the pituitary or hypothalamus gland does not release the hormones resulting in the ovaries releasing little to no sexual hormones.

In a nutshell, my brain doesn't release the hormones needed to stimulate my ovaries to produce eggs for fertilization.

Now that we're in Maine... we have discovered a new "technology" called NaPro Technology. Natural Procreation. Ah, recognition. We have been working with a NaPro counselor since March charting my body's natural cycle via cervical mucus and waiting to get some labs done with the actual doctor so we can figure out the next steps. This process keeps the child bearing practice good in the eyes of the church which is our goal.

Through my own research, I found this little nugget of information that has never been mentioned to me as of yet:

Treatment

Treatment depends on the source of the problem, but may involve:

• Injections of testosterone (in males)
• Slow-release testosterone skin patch (in males)
• Testosterone gels (in males)
• Estrogen and progesterone pills or skin patches (in females)
• GnRH injections
• HCG injections 

Outlook (Prognosis)

The right hormone treatment will cause puberty to start in children and may restore fertility in adults. If the condition begins after puberty or in adulthood, symptoms will often improve with treatment.

https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000390.htm#:~:text=Hypogonadism%20is%20a%20condition%20in,the%20pituitary%20gland%20or%20hypothalamus.

The right hormone treatment...may restore fertility in adults. Seriously?!!! Maybe I just need some hormones and then things will work? I'm literally on the verge of hopeful/happy tears right now. Maybe I don't have to give up on this dream after all.